Disagreements and differing opinions are a normal part of human interaction, and although conflicts can generate uncomfortable feelings, they may also be an opportunity for growth. The process of conflict resolution can build trust and understanding, and improve your communications skills.
Learning how to resolve disputes successfully, rather than avoiding them, is critical for maintaining successful personal and professional relationships.
The most common sources of conflict are differences in background, culture, opinion, and communication style. Your experiences and background influence your behavior and values, and can be the root of strong emotions.
Everyone needs to feel understood and respected, and if you don’t, it can be unsettling. The natural urge is to resolve that feeling, which can lead to conflict.
Kristine Parancia, director of the University of North Dakota’s Conflict Resolution Center in Grand Forks, explains, “Emotion and conflict are necessarily intertwined. Someone pushes a button, and we react without much awareness or thought.” Therefore, it’s essential to be in touch with your emotional reactions and able to manage them under stress, which can interfere with interpreting communication accurately.
Some common responses to disagreement are anger, confusion, frustration, fear, and avoidance. How you behave in a tense situation depends on two main things: your emotional reaction to the specific trigger and the communication strategies you’ve observed and learned. Together, these form your conflict-resolution style. Here are the most common:
Benjamin R., a senior at Oklahoma City University, recognizes that his responses to conflict depend on the relationship. “I assess where the relationship stands before delving into conflict resolution,” he says. “I ask, ‘Is this person a friend? A coworker? A stranger?’ Of course, respect for the other person is key no matter what the relationship.”
With a supervisor or coworkers, it may be tempting to hold in your feelings, but this can lead to resentment. With family and friends, you might express more anger, thinking that any repercussions will be limited. But yelling and acting out can cause defensiveness. You’re not likely to be heard, and the anger may escalate.
Here are some conflict-resolution guidelines:
Here are some ways to resolve a conflict more quickly and smoothly:
Accommodate
Both parties yield a bit on their needs in order to focus on maintaining the relationship. This may be effective, but make sure everyone is still able to express his or her feelings.
Collaborate
Everyone works toward a common goal. This requires assertiveness and cooperation.
Compromise
There’s give and take among parties, but make sure each person understands the other’s experience so as to avoid frustration.
While conflict can be difficult and stressful, managing and resolving it can be an opportunity for developing deeper connections. Just remember to stay calm and keep an open mind.
Janine works as a prevention and programming associate at Princeton University and is a graduate of the University of Delaware.
Different communication styles can be a source of misunderstanding. Here are some sample situations that demonstrate how you can recognize and respond to various styles:
Clear and Direct Communication Style:
Situation: Your roommate asks you to clean up your part of the room.
Example Statement: “Please clean up. I’ve already asked twice.”
Helpful Response: Accommodate: Calmly agree to clean up tonight, and follow through.
Clear and Indirect Communication Style:
Situation: Your boss comments on your jeans during a staff meeting.
Example Statement: “Our office doesn’t have ‘Casual Fridays.’”
Helpful Response: Accommodate: In the future, follow the appropriate dress code. You may also speak to your boss privately to apologize and express that it won’t happen again.
Masked and Direct Communication Style:
Situation: Your partner seems annoyed when you’re late for a date.
Example Statement: “People just don’t seem to value punctuality.”
Helpful Response: Compromise: Apologize for your tardiness, and say that you’d prefer if he or she expressed any disappointment more directly.
Masked and Indirect Communication Style:
Situation: You decline a party invite from your friend, who makes a remark in your presence.
Example Statement: “People who aren’t coming to the party are lame.”
Helpful Response: Avoid: Choose to ignore the statement since it wasn’t directed to you. Or, address it later, when you’ve both had time to cool down.
Ellen Schreiber, an ombudsperson at the University of Idaho in Moscow, offers these tips for resolving conflicts:
Some conflict-resolution strategies are less likely to be successful. Here are some to watch out for—in yourself and others:
Avoidance: Sometimes it’s useful to just walk away from a situation, especially if you’re feeling very upset or unclear about how to proceed. But this will leave feelings unexpressed, and they can build up.
If you decide to avoid a situation now, consider revisiting it when you’re more clear-headed or talk with someone neutral to let off steam.
Competition: Here, you assert your needs and make an argument about why they’re more important or correct than the other person’s. This approach is usually viewed as highly aggressive and may be coercive.
This option frequently results in at least one person feeling threatened and can make a fair resolution difficult.
Turn Things Around
Venkat R., a first-year graduate student at the University of Louisville in Kentucky, explains, “We often argue our points without much consideration for [other people’s] viewpoints. [It can help to] take a step back and try to view the problem objectively. That is, break it down into its core components.” He suggests asking the following questions to mitigate the urge to avoid or compete:
“Then we set ourselves up for a better understanding of the situation and we’re more likely to see a [solution] that everyone can agree on,” says Venkat.
