It's Your Life - Take Control
Do you need to be more assertive?
By Katie Kretschmer, Graduate, Columbia University
A recent study based on the results of the UCLA Cooperative Institutional Research Program’s annual survey of college freshmen found that college students today are much more confident than college students just a few decades ago. At the same time, many students suffer from being too shy or uncomfortable when dealing with professors or others in authority. In fact, in a recent Student Health 101 survey, 47% of respondents said they sometimes had trouble being assertive, and nearly 60% said they thought they could benefit from learning how to be more assertive and speak up for themselves.
For most students, learning how to assert themselves—that is, to express opinions, beliefs, needs, and rights clearly and directly without violating those of others—is part and parcel of the college experience.
Learning to Talk With Professors
James Black, director of the Center for Academic Achievement at Susquehanna University in Selinsgrove, Pennsylvania, says many students make the mistake of not approaching a professor until they have a problem. If a student was too shy or intimidated to approach a professor before, that student often feels more sheepish when he or she needs to ask for help.
“Remember that your professor was once in your shoes,” says Tabatha Miller, a counselor and part-time faculty at Central Penn College in Summerdale, Pennsylvania. “They do care, and they want you to succeed.”
Gina Mollo, in her fifth year at Elmhurst College in Illinois, says it’s important to build a relationship with your professors from the start “because if you are comfortable talking to them about smaller things, it will be easier to come to them with bigger problems or questions.”
“Know your audience,” advises Dr. Kathryn Sue Young, chair of communication at Mansfield University in Pennsylvania. “If your professor is super strict and has clearly stated policies, you may know in advance what the answer will be.” For example, if your professor has a specific stance on missed labs, don’t expect him or her to bend the rules for you, no matter what your excuse is. “Instead, go to her and say, ‘I missed a lab. I know I will get a zero. Is there anything I can do to make up for it?’”
By admitting a mistake and asking how to correct it while acknowledging their authority, you open the door to the possibility of making up the work.
The Power of Meeting In-Person
It’s also important to make your request face to face. “When you need help, information, or a favor, remember it’s always easier for a person to say no to a text or e-mail,” says Young. It’s especially true if you don’t know your professor very well. By coming to them in person, it’s much more likely that you can have a conversation about the problem that might not happen with an e-mail.
If you can’t meet with your professor in person, make sure that any communication—e-mail, voice mail, or note—is respectful and avoids text lingo and abbreviations.
Learning to communicate effectively with your professors and administrators on campus will also help you when it comes to asserting yourself with employers and supervisors at work. Lara Donnelly, a senior at Wright State University in Dayton, Ohio, thinks of herself as on the shy side, and says she avoids confrontation. But she says being assertive is never as hard or as scary as you think it’s going to be. Last year, when she was working as a technical editor on campus, one of her supervisors asked her to clean his desk.
“I started to think about it and realized it wasn’t really something I was required to do,” she says. “I went to another supervisor and said something about it, and she agreed that it was not something I needed to do. So I went back and said to him, ‘I’m really supposed to be editing these papers, not cleaning your desk.’ I think he was embarrassed. But there was no drama, and I was glad I stood up for myself.”
Confronting Peers
Donnelly also says she finds it easier to stand up for herself around authority figures or strangers than with her peers. “I don’t want them to think I’m bitchy or pushy,” she says. And yet, it’s likely that while in college you will have to stand up for yourself among your peers more often than with professors.
“Don’t let things build up,” says Young. “Address problems as they arise. If you wait, it’s likely your anger will get the better of you.” She says to present the problem in a way that is nonconfrontational. She suggests softening statements by saying something like, “You may not be aware of this, but…” or “I know you don’t mean to…” She also recommends using “I” statements, rather than “you” statements that can put someone on the defensive. Rather than “You never do your share of the cleaning,” say, “I don’t like living in a messy space. I was hoping we could come to a solution together.”
On the other hand, maybe you’ve felt pressure to do something you didn’t want to do—whether it’s chip in more money than you can afford for a gift or dinner, or do drugs. Learning to say “no” takes practice, but it is all you need to say.
Prepare a Script First
“There’s a fine line between aggressive and assertive,” says Mollo. “When I have to go talk to a professor or my boss, I like to prepare an internal script first. I set in my mind what I want to say because sometimes it’s hard to think on the quick—and also, thinking it out beforehand helps you avoid sounding or being angry.”
That’s good advice, especially if you are particularly shy and have trouble speaking up in any situation. “Overcoming timidity really comes down to practice,” says Young. She describes a technique developed by Gerald M. Phillips at Penn State, who was a leading expert in the 1980s in helping students overcome communication anxiety. “You create a script, in writing, which details exactly what you want to say, and what you think the other person will say in response, and what you will say back to them. Then you practice it out loud.”
Another exercise Young suggests is to plan ahead to speak up in class: As you study or do readings for a class, come up with a question or comment in advance.
Even the most confident students said they thought they could benefit by learning to be more assertive—but if you remember to treat whomever you are speaking to with the same respect you would expect yourself, you may not get what you want every time, but you are more likely to get it often.
If you feel you continually have trouble asserting yourself, check with your student health or counseling center about talking to a counselor.
KATIE KRETSCHMER IS A GRADUATE OF COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY AND A FREELANCE WRITER LIVING IN NEW YORK CITY.
Find Out More
Click for more about assertiveness from the Counseling Center at the University at Buffalo.
Click for more tips about becoming assertive from the University of Illinois Counseling Center.
Click for more great assertiveness tips from Mankato State University's Counseling Center.
How Assertive Are You?
The University of Texas at Austin’s Counseling and Mental Health Center offers this self-analysis.
Ask yourself the following questions:
• Do you ask for help if you need it?
• Do you express anger and annoyance appropriately?
• Do you ask questions when you’re confused?
• Do you volunteer your opinions when you think or feel differently from others?
• Do you speak up in class fairly frequently?
• Are you able to say “no” when you don’t want to do something?
• Do you speak with a generally confident manner, communicating caring and strength?
• Do you look at people when you’re talking to them?
For more info, CLICK HERE.
Assertive or Aggressive?
Tabatha Miller, a counselor at Central Penn College in Summerdale, Pennsylvania, says to avoid coming off as aggressive rather than assertive, it’s always good to ask yourself, “Am I really being wronged?”
Ask yourself:
• Are you putting in as much as you are asking of others?
• Are you isolating or collaborating?
• Are you asking for what you want in the best way?
• Does the person you are asking have the power to give you what you want?
Dealing With Parents
In the same way that college is a time to learn to communicate with authority figures, it’s also a time when you may need to assert yourself with your parents. “Again, know your audience,” Young says. “Not all parents are supportive; some parents are too supportive,” she says.
A common problem she sees is when parents check in too often with students. Rather than ignore their messages, which may just make them call or text even more, she suggests making a boundary statement: Say something like, “I miss you a lot, but classes and studying are keeping me super busy. Let’s make a date to check in every Sunday.” And then stick to that plan.
Gina Mollo chalks up her comfort with asserting herself to a combination of growing up in a large family and to the good example set by her mother. “My mom was always very confident and never let what other people thought influence her.” But, she says she believes that for anyone, assertiveness takes practice as well as confidence.
