We all strive to be in healthy relationships that make us feel happy and good about ourselves, but we sometimes get involved with people who can have a negative effect on our mental and even physical well-being. Whether you’re straight, gay, lesbian, bi, or transgender, here’s advice on how to keep your relationships positive and growing strong.

BY AMANDA BERGMAN, SENIOR, WESTERN ILLINOIS UNIVERSITY

With Valentine’s Day in February, your attention may naturally turn to those you love in your life—especially a boyfriend or girlfriend. While we have relationships with parents, professors, and friends, it is the romantic connections that are often the hardest to maintain but can bring great reward. Let’s face it—a supportive, loving relationship makes you feel healthy, happy, and satisfied with life. A Student Health 101 survey of 423 students revealed that half were currently in relationships, and about 88% of respondents said they have been in healthy relationships.

Keep the Lines of Communication Open
So where do you start when it comes to building healthy, rewarding relationships?

JoAnn Hairston-Jones, health education coordinator for Western Illinois University in Macomb, says you need to first define what exactly a healthy relationship consists of—for yourself, and between you and your partner. To do this, you need open communication. Communication builds trust, honesty, and mutual understanding.

“Honesty and trust are essential,” says Charles Scott, a business student at Harcum College, a two-year school in Bryn Mawr, Pennsylvania, explaining what makes his current relationship strong. “When problems come up, we talk about them. We don’t let them build up.”

“Communication includes active listening,” says Dr. Beverly Brosky, a licensed psychologist in Alexandria, Virginia. “That is listening with empathy and without judgment.”

Relationships require reciprocity. You give support but also take it. “It’s important to define support,” Hairston-Jones says. “The way you think of the word ‘support’ may be different from how your partner thinks of it.” If one partner defines support as being together 24 hours a day, that can be unhealthy.

Still, a couple needs quality time together. Alberta, a student at Onondaga Community College in New York, says that she and her partner make healthy meals, meditate, and take power naps together.

Learn what your partner enjoys and what’s important to him or her. Show your partner that you care by actually doing things that are important in his or her life.

Spending quality time together can be difficult. Delanie, a student at Ohlone College in Fremont, California, says that she and her partner find it hard to simply find the time to be together with both having busy school and work schedules.

Make sure you talk often and tell each other what is going on in your separate lives and let your feelings be known. If you cannot physically spend time together, then take advantage of phone calls. Hairston-Jones suggests e-mail and texting, too, if you can’t find time to phone.

Don't Lose Yourself
While doing things together builds a relationship, couples need time apart to have their own identities. It takes two individuals to make a couple, so you have to take the time to focus on what makes you an individual and makes you feel good about yourself, Hairston-Jones says.

“You shouldn’t lose yourself in a relationship,” says Kathy Anthony, director of counseling services at Harcum College. “A partner should enhance what’s already there. The person should bring out the best in you.”

Maintaining who you are means keeping your personal goals, lifestyle, and friends. Accepting your partner’s friends and personal pursuits is crucial in keeping your own identity and having a healthy relationship.

Recognizing When You're in an Unhealthy Relationship
Unfortunately, it can be easy to fall into a bad relationship. Feeling controlled, pressured, humiliated, and/or scared are all signs of a negative relationship. Other symptoms of a bad partnership include jealousy, physical or emotional pain, manipulation, cruelty, obsession, violence, and dependence. These characteristics can make you feel depressed and make focusing on schoolwork difficult. Depression and other negative feelings can affect your physical well-being as well.

Sometimes couples can get beyond harmful behaviors and grow if they confront their problems. Almost 78% of respondents to a Student Health 101 survey said that they have been able to improve unhealthy aspects of their relationship to make it better.

“Relationships can become stronger when you care enough about them to take the risk to deal with conflict,” says Hairston-Jones. “If a relationship just doesn’t feel right, talk to someone you trust—a friend, a family member, a college counselor, or someone in an organization that you’re welcomed in.” Nearly all colleges have programs where students can find a professional to talk with about relationship issues.

Breaking Up May Be Hard to Do, But Sometimes It’s a Must
In some relationships, splitting up can be the healthiest thing to do. Unhealthy relationships have gone too far once any type of abuse has occurred but especially physical abuse, according to Hairston-Jones. To contact the Abuse Victim Hotline for help with an abusive relationship, CLICK HERE.

When the negatives cannot be overcome, even after seeking outside help, it’s usually best to move on. Taking time for yourself to build your self-confidence can make you a better person and help you in future relationships. “You need a strong sense of self and need to feel good about yourself to be in a good relationship,” says Anthony. “You need to be confident in who you are.”

About three-quarters of students in a Student Health 101 survey said they have been through a difficult breakup, but three-quarters also said they have been through a breakup that improved their life.

Ultimately, relationships take work, but good ones make you feel good about yourself and enhance your life and overall health.

To take a quiz to find out how healthy your relationship is, CLICK HERE.

Amanda Bergmann is a senior at Western Illinois University in Macomb pursuing a bachelor’s degree in journalism.

FIND OUT MORE
To learn more about healthy relationships, CLICK on the following sites:
- University of Oregon Counseling and Testing Center
- TwoOfUs.org