Keeping Your Relationship Healthy
Ideas for Maintaining a Successful Connection During College
By Laurin Wolf, Senior, Johns Hopkins University
Whether you’re single or in a committed relationship, Valentine’s Day may bring thoughts about love into your mind. But unlike the love that we see portrayed in jewelry store commercials or sappy romantic comedies, the real thing can be messy, complicated, and frustrating.
Basically, love can be a lot harder to maintain than you might suspect. College students, especially, have to deal with factors such as stress, changes in personality, and distance, which can all take a toll on a relationship.
A good romantic partnership can be an incredibly fulfilling aspect of life—more than 90% of respondents to a recent Student Health 101 survey reported experiencing feelings of self-worth, satisfaction, support, and acceptance associated with a positive relationship. A bad relationship, however, can bring on opposing emotions of worthlessness, jealousy, mistrust, and rejection, all of which compound the stress that the majority of students experience.
What Makes a Healthy Relationship?
Of course, every couple is different, and there’s no set of rules that will guarantee relationship success. But there are certain elements that appear consistently in partnerships that are categorized as healthy.
Quality Time
A strong base is important. Spending quality time with your boyfriend or girlfriend allows you to really get to know him or her, and it will increase the chances that your relationship will succeed. Quality time means doing things together that you enjoy, such as physical activities like hiking, bowling, skiing, or swimming; going to the movies or a museum; or simply having great conversation over a meal or coffee.
Honesty
Honesty is absolutely integral to a healthy relationship. It’s exhausting and stressful to be constantly wondering if your significant other is being truthful, and exhaustion and stress are two feelings that you as a student already experience in excess. It’s very difficult to regain the trust of your partner after that code of honesty has been breached. Remember that honesty is always the best policy, and while it can be difficult to tell the truth at times, abiding by that rule will always be most beneficial in the long run.
Communication
Honesty and communication are inextricably connected. “From my observations, trust can be one of the most difficult parts of a relationship, and solid communication can be the first step to solving this problem,” says Zachary Brown, a student at California State University, Sacramento. When communication fails, tension can build up and then explode into volatile situations that could have been avoided if the couple had had a candid discussion. But that’s not as easy to do as it sounds—some people never want to admit that they are wrong; others don’t want to hurt their partner’s feelings. Keep in mind that the anger experienced by both parties will be much greater if issues go unaddressed. Also, each partner needs to communicate expectations and desires, likes and dislikes. Stay tuned in to what’s happening in your significant other’s life and keep him or her apprised of changes in yours.
Acceptance
Some people enter a relationship with the idea that they will be able to change some aspect (or aspects) of their partner’s personality that bothers them. This is not a realistic expectation.
“To maintain a positive and healthy relationship, the two partners must keep their individuality while constantly supporting each other,” says Maggie Callahan, a senior at Elmhurst College in Illinois. “The desire to change a person should not be the focus; rather, you should want to grow together and help shape each others’ lives in a positive manner.”
Spontaneity
When you’re overwhelmed by the daily grind of homework, classes, meetings, and other commitments, it’s easy to get in a romance rut. If you’re feeling like your relationship with your partner is getting cold, do something spontaneous to bring some spice back into your life.
It doesn’t have to be anything wild: “I do little things like send sweet ‘good morning’ messages, nice calls, and randomly tell her how beautiful she is,” says Creighton Jones, a sophomore at Winston-Salem State University in North Carolina. It’s the small gestures that mean the most—it shows your partner that you’re thinking about him or her, even during life’s busy stretches.
Support
You and your significant other may have very different interests—and that’s probably part of the attraction! It’s exciting to meet a person who opens your eyes to something new. And even if your boyfriend’s love for fantasy football or your girlfriend’s passion for flea market shopping isn’t exactly your cup of tea, try to show support of the things that make them who they are.
If he or she invites you to try an activity that they love, be open to it. Showing support also means encouraging the aspirations of your partner.
As a student at the University of Maryland (UMD) in College Park, Gabriel Band had problems with his girlfriend’s clingy nature. He wanted her to have more of her own life. “One of our issues was that she did not have her own group of friends,” he says. “Couples should have shared as well as separate friends.”
Maintaining a healthy relationship is a combination of sharing interests and maintaining individuality, Band says.
Ultimately, having a healthy relationship comes back to communication, according to Alli Matson, a coordinator of sexual health programs at UMD: “Communication is really key to success in life and dating.”
LAURIN WOLF IS A SENIOR AT JOHNS HOPKINS UNIVERSITY IN BALTIMORE, MARYLAND. SHE IS MAJORING IN THE WRITING SEMINARS AND PURSUING A MINOR IN ENTREPRENEURSHIP AND MANAGEMENT.
Find Out More
Call 800.799.7233 for help from the National Domestic Violence Hotline, or click for their website.
Click for more from the National Center on Domestic and Sexual Violence.
Click for ways you can get involved from BreakTheCycle.org.
Click for a list of domestic violence warning signs from Michigan State University.
When to Move On: Breaking Up Can Be Hard to Do, But Sometimes It’s the Healthiest Choice
“I think young men and women stay in relationships that are not benefiting them for the same reasons anyone stays in unhealthy relationships: fear,” says Laura Smith, a graduate student intern in the Counseling and Psychological Services office at Ithaca College in New York. Some college students fear loneliness; others worry that they will regret a decision to end a relationship later on. In a recent Student Health 101 survey of about 450 college students, 85% of respondents reported feeling as though their lives had improved as a result of a break-up. The fact is that you learn from every relationship, and sometimes that learning occurs after the fact. Here are some relationship red flags that should make you re-evaluate your situation.
• Your partner doesn’t listen to you. Just as healthy communication and honesty are two of the most important parts of a good relationship, lack of communication between you and your partner can be a deal-breaker. In addition to listening, he or she also needs to be receptive to your concerns and be willing to propose compromises. You shouldn’t feel like your partner has decided on a course of action before you get to say what you need to say.
• You can’t fight fair. Conflict is bound to occur in every relationship. In fact, it’s healthy and can lead to a deeper level of understanding between you and your partner. When working through conflict, the discussion should always revolve
around the issue at hand, not past problems or nagging differences. If it seems like your partner is constantly digging up old dirt or starting fights about petty things, consider whether or not this person improves your quality of life. The answer might very well be no, and then it’s time to move on.
• You and your partner have vastly different goals. As a college student, you’re spending a lot of time figuring out where you want to go in life. If it becomes clear that you and your significant other are heading in completely opposite directions, it might be best to accept that and move on. Some idealistic differences can work in a relationship, but two people who see themselves in completely different worlds are probably not going to last as a couple.
• Your partner displays abusive behavior. This is one case where a zero-tolerance policy must be applied. If your partner abuses you, or threatens to abuse you physically, emotionally, or sexually, you must walk away from that relationship. Your partner might try to convince you that he or she will change, or that the situation is somehow your fault. They won’t, and it’s not, so be your own best advocate and leave. If you feel that you’re in danger, you can call the National Dating Abuse Helpline at 1-866-331-9474 or visit their website at www.loveisrespect.org.
Keep Your Relationship in Perspective
“For those students who are in a happily monogamous relationship, be intentional about having a balanced life,” says Laura Smith, a graduate student intern in the Counseling and Psychological Services office at Ithaca College in New York. “There are so many things to do and see in college, it would be a missed opportunity to lose sight of your individual values and desires because you were compromising about how to spend your time with a partner. There might be times when your relationship changes based on something you discover about yourself.”
Remember that nobody is static—everyone grows and changes, sometimes at different rates. College is a time to do frequent self-evaluation, and evaluating your relationship is a part of that. If changes in you or your partner result in a situation where one of you is no longer feeling fulfilled, it might be time to move on. There’s a wide world out there, with lots of interesting people to meet and date. Keep an open mind, and the rest will fall into place.
The Single’s Guide to a Healthy Self-Image
To all the single girls and guys: Don’t despair. Learning to be confident in your independence is extremely valuable, too. It’s much easier to accept another person into your life if you know that you can fly solo. So enjoy your opportunity to spend some quality time with the one person who will always be there for you: yourself. This can mean doing things you like, whether it is pursuing a sport, taking an extracurricular class, or traveling. Figuring out what makes you tick as an individual is key to your happiness.
Keep in mind that not every relationship has to be a serious one. College can be a great time to take a dive into a large dating pool and find out what type of person you get along with. Relax and keep an open mind. Good things have a tendency to come along when you’re least expecting them.
You might be particularly aware of your single status at this time of year, especially if you’ve recently experienced a breakup. Remember that everyone has dating ups and downs, and 85% of Student Health 101 survey respondents reported feeling as though they were better off after a breakup. You might feel that you’re in a bit of a slump at the moment, but there will probably come a time when you’re lucky in love and some of your pals aren’t. Be happy for your friends and know that your time will come along.
