Safer Sex and Fun Sex – They Can Be the Same Thing
How to keep each other protected while enjoying sex
By Laurin Wolf, Senior, Johns Hopkins University, and Joleen Nevers, Health Education Coordinator, University of Connecticut
Sex can be just about the best thing ever—it can be sensual, pleasurable, passionate, and intimate. When we start talking about ways to make sex safer, it suddenly seems less wild, less spontaneous, and less fun. But some potential consequences of unsafe sex, namely the transmission of sexually transmitted infections (STIs), can be life-altering.
“Many young people have a sense of invincibility in regard to STIs—they think, ‘It will never happen to me,’” says Dr. Kenny Mok, associate professor of medicine in the joint program at the University of California, San Francisco School of Medicine and the University of California, Berkeley. This attitude leads to the spread of diseases, which can range from being uncomfortable to life-threatening.
Many of the STIs that are commonly spread between college students are asymptomatic (showing no symptoms), such as chlamydia, gonorrhea, human papillomavirus (HPV), and herpes. This might seem like a bleak report for the sexually active, but there is good news: Sex can be fun and safer.
The definition of “sex play” is much broader than just vaginal or anal intercourse. Planned Parenthood outlines a list of activities that fall into the “no-risk” or “lower-risk” categories of sex play, which means the likelihood of contracting an STI while engaging in these activities is lower than if one were to engage in oral, vaginal, or anal sex. “No-risk” sex play includes self-masturbation, “sexting,” phone sex, and cybersex; “lower-risk” sex play can be kissing, touching, rubbing, mutual masturbation (protected is safest), and using sex toys. On the following pages, you’ll find a short list of different types of sex, the STI risk associated with them, and some ideas for making them safer without losing the fun.
Vaginal and Anal Sex
STI Risk: High. Almost any STI can be contracted through sexual intercourse, whether vaginal or anal, because of the exchange of bodily fluids that can occur and the skin-to-skin contact.
Safer Solution: Condoms, when used during vaginal, anal, and oral sex, can help prevent pregnancy and STIs that are transmitted through bodily fluids and skin-to-skin contact. But some feel that condoms decrease the pleasure of sex.
However, there are lots of ways to make condom use a fun part of sex play. Condoms come in a wide variety of styles: lubricated, textured, self-heating, colors, glow-in-the-dark…the list goes on. Condoms are available in different sizes from snugger fitting to larger, and a male can even get a customized condom to fit him. All of these can add a fun twist to sex while also making it safer. Condoms are available in a female version, too. The female condom is a pouch with two flexible rings at either end that is inserted into the vagina or anus. Female condoms, like male condoms, reduce the exchange of fluids and skin-to-skin contact, therefore helping to prevent STIs.
Oral Sex
STI Risk: Medium-high. Although the list of STIs that can be transmitted orally is shorter than the list for vaginal and anal sex, several are still very serious diseases. They include hepatitis B, syphilis, HPV, HIV, chlamydia, and herpes. The number of cases of gonorrhea infections in the throat has risen in recent years—certainly not something one wants to experience.
“Herpes is one of the main STIs I’m concerned about,” says Sally*, a student at the University of Connecticut in Storrs, who identifies herself as a lesbian. “It can be passed if someone has a cold sore on their mouth. It’s incredibly easy to spread through oral sex.”
Safer Solution: Dental dams and condoms can be used during oral sex. Dental dams are latex barriers that can be used for oral sex on either the vagina or anus. While these methods reduce risk they still are not considered 100% effective as a way to avoid STIs. Dental dams come in different colors and scents, such as green with a mint scent or purple with a grape scent. Water-based lubrication, which can be added for stimulation and to increase sensitivity, can be applied to both sides of the dental dam.
A person could also add flavored lubrication for more fun. Tom,* a sophomore at Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore, Maryland, is a fan of the flavored versions: “Flavored lube is delightful! Cherry Coke lube? Delicious!”
Flavored condoms can be used for oral sex as well. Flavors include chocolate, strawberry, and cola.Condoms and dental dams significantly lower the risk of contracting an STI.
“A lot of people say dental dams don’t have as much sensation, which is definitely a valid point,” says Sally, “but they come in a lot of different scents, and people can use flavored lube also on the dental dam if they don’t want the taste of plastic in their mouths.”
Touching and Kissing
STI Risk: Lower. STI transmission is less likely during touching and petting than during intercourse. However, many STIs, including HPV, herpes, cytomegalovirus, pubic lice, and scabies, may be transmitted through skin-to-skin contact, according to Planned Parenthood.
Touching is a great because it allows for mutual closeness without some of the higher risks. Touching is also a great way to learn about a partner and to build intimacy. For example, using massage or a light touch to caress and learn what a partner likes or dislikes can be fun way to incorporate touch. Relatively few STIs can be transmitted by kissing. Herpes is one of them.
Other illnesses may be contracted through kissing, though they may not be considered as serious as herpes.For example, there’s a reason that mononucleosis is called “the kissing disease”!
While some people may have herpes sores from time to time, other people may never develop sores and can still pass on the virus. While the virus can be suppressed by medications and taking care of oneself, it can still be passed on without knowing it.
Similar to touching, kissing can build intimacy and trust without some of the risks of intercourse or oral sex. It’s also just plain fun! To mix it up, a person can try kissing various parts of the body such as the neck, back, or even toes—it’s surprising what can be sexy to some people. Ask your partner to find out how and where he or she likes to be kissed. It might be surprising to find that the back of the knee is a hot spot!
*Name withheld for privacy
LAURIN WOLF IS A SENIOR AT JOHNS HOPKINS UNIVERSITY IN BALTIMORE, MARYLAND, MAJORING IN WRITING. JOLEEN NEVERS IS THE HEALTH EDUCATION COORDINATOR AT THE UNIVERSITY OF CONNECTICUT IN STORRS.
Find Out More
Click more about safer sex practices from HealthFinder.gov.
Click more smarter sex tips and resources from SmarterSex.org.
Click more about STI testing and how you can involved to GYT.
Click more from Answer, a sexual health education program from Rutgers University.
Communication, As Always, Is Key
Whether a person is in a serious relationship or having more casual sexual encounters, broaching the topic of safer sex can seem uncomfortable or unnecessary. Reasons for this might include the fear of seeming prudish or distrustful, a desire to stay in the heat of the moment, or the belief that safer sex just won’t be as, well, sexy.
The truth is that discussing safer sex with a partner is important and can actually make sex more pleasurable. Talking about safer sex can also include what each partner likes, dislikes, and what a person may be interested in exploring.
Avoiding conversations about protection leads to more fears about STIs, which add a layer of stress to a sexual experience. “The ease of mind that comes with safer sex is great—you can do a lot more with less inhibition,” says Tom, a student at Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore, Maryland. Discussing ways to make sex safer and more enjoyable will often bring two people closer together and increase the trust and intimacy between them instead of decreasing them.
It’s also important to be honest when it comes to the topic of sexual history. Honesty about sexual health affects not only one’s current partner, but the people that partner might have sexual relations with in the future. “I feel that many students think if they have unprotected sex with one person, then they are fine. That’s not the case, because that person may not be just with you,” says a student from the University of Florida in Gainesville.
“I actually find that in the queer women community there is a lot of communication between partners about previous partners and being tested,” says Sally* from the University of Connecticut in Storrs. “I’m not sure if this is considered ‘protection,’ but it can definitely be an intimate thing to talk with a partner about concerns about STIs, and offer to get tested together. Some people might be afraid to have ‘the talk’ with their partner, but once it’s out on the table, I feel like there isn’t much resistance. Personally, talking to partners about my status and their status has always been positive, and has always brought us closer together. It’s definitely effective, in terms of knowing each other’s status—and also fun. It eliminates worry about spreading or contracting an STI to or from a partner, therefore allowing sex to be more uninhibited. Still, testing isn’t always reliable—STI tests sometimes need to be taken weeks after the date when a STI was contracted to get a reliable answer. Also, people do have casual encounters or are in open relationships.”
