Back to the November Issue
Is A Friendship Taking Over Your Life?
By Anna-Marie Jaeschke
Friends are like glue: they help hold you together throughout life. They are an essential part of your social support system.
But just like moments with family members, friends can sometimes just be too much. Overbearing friendships can be exhausting, taking away time and energy from schoolwork and other activities.
We All Need People
According to Jennifer Hefner, MPH, and Dr. Daniel Eisenberg at the University of Michigan, people build many different bonds while in school.You probably have friends that you met through your studies, such as classmates and col- leagues at internships or work. Many friendships develop out of shared interests, like a sport, club, music, or volunteering. You may also have friends that you met while socializing, through other contacts, or just by saying ‘hi.’
People can bring out your humor and help you unwind. They can make the challenges of academics more manageable—through study groups, keeping you up to speed if you miss a class, or reminding you of assignments if you space out. They can be your go-to ears when you need someone to listen.
Jonathon Z., a nursing student at Fullerton College in California, explains, “I have sometimes felt overwhelmed coming back to school. I get the feeling of, ‘What am I doing here again?’ When I’m around my peer group—the ones my age—I feel more safe, comfortable, and relaxed. And it gives me the feeling that I am doing the right thing coming back to school.”
So relationships are important, but is it possible to have too much of a good thing?
Just Deal With It?
When asked about stifling friends, Madeline F. and Kiara G., both students at West Virginia University in Morgantown, explained that they “end up just alternating between putting up with the person and telling them, ‘I’m too busy.’ If you want to stay friends, you kind of just have to deal.” Really?It may actually be possible to reclaim the happiness of a great friendship, or rebuild it to be more comfortable, by communicating and resolving conflicts.
Turning Red Flags to Green
First, start by figuring out if a particular relationship is causing you stress. Here are some red flags that might indicate trouble in paradise:- Little time with other friends
- Jealousy
- Conflict, such as arguing over when to hang out; who else to include in an activity; ardent, disrespectful philosophical disagreements
- Frequent miscommunication
- Signs of manipulation, such as making you choose between friends or doing you a favor only with the expectation of getting something in return. (“I’ll do this, but you owe me one.”)
- Encouraging you to do something you don’t want to or that wouldn’t be healthy for you
Finding red flags doesn’t necessarily mean your relationship is doomed. Awareness is half the battle; a dysfunctional friendship does not have to keep bringing you down.
Here are some recommendations for dealing with overwhelming situations. These strategies can help with conflict resolution in all different types of relationships.
Talk It Out
Explain how you feel. Ian Connole, who works with student-athletes as a sport psychology consultant at Waynesburg University in Pennsylvania, suggests, “The next time you have a fight with one of your friends, try to be present and listen. Put your phone on silent and go for a walk [or] grab lunch and get to know the part of them that isn’t posted on Facebook. Listen twice as much as you talk, ask great questions, tell stories, and really give your friend the gift of your time and full attention. It’s amazing how often the conflict or disagreement means less when the friendship means more.”
Be Honest and Propose a Solution
Opening the doors of communication can allow you to voice the many responsibilities you juggle, and how you cherish your quiet time to be able to get schoolwork done or escape into a good book (or a good movie, or whatever you enjoy). Talk about your goals and priorities. Your friend is likely to be sympathetic. If you temper this with a suggestion about another time you can hang out, they’ll be less disappointed.
Accentuate the Positive
Have a conversation that starts and ends with something positive, and has a middle that brings the issue to light.
For example, “Hey Joe, I really appreciate how you’re so enthusiastic and always want to go out together. I just need to focus on schoolwork a few hours a day, so that I can have time to relax later. Let’s make plans for over the weekend.”
See that? Joe got a compliment about his enthusiasm at the beginning, and there’s the prospect of plans at the end.
Keep ’Em Busy
Encourage your friend to get more involved in other activities. You can even introduce him or her to some new people. A student recently surveyed by Student Health 101 called this “dispersing the attention and demands.” With more options, your friend won’t be as dependent on the time spent solely with you.
Find an Escape Route
If you have a roommate and dread coming home, because your roommate will be in your face as soon as you arrive, it’s time to do something about it. Be clear, and let him or her know you need a bit of breathing room or that your apartment is becoming a high stress zone for you. Work out an arrangement wherein you’ll both have some alone time. You can also seek solace in the library, a favorite café (with free wifi!), or another place where you can find peace.
Talk to a Third Party
Sometimes it can be helpful to talk the situation over with someone outside the situation, like a parent or mentor. You’d be surprised how many students meet with someone professional to talk about friendship stress.
Keep in mind that these techniques can be used in much the same way in various relationships, such as with romantic partners and siblings.
Resolving conflicts can actually lead to closer, more honest connections, and you can get your needs met. By assessing the things that are challenging and communicating sensitively, you can move forward with more energy to devote to all of your other pursuits.
Take Action!
- Determine what’s important to you in relationships.
- Listen to your internal cues about whether a relationship is causing you stress.
- Be honest and clear about how you feel and what needs to change.
- Communicate with sensitivity and clarity to come up with solutions.
- Look to an unbiased resource, such as your school’s counseling center, if you need support.
- If the situation doesn’t improve, it may be necessary to consider ending the relationship.
ANNA-MARIE JAESCHKE is a West Virginia University doctoral student in sport and exercise psychology.
Are we Best Friends Forever (BFFs) or Frenemies?
Here are some things to ask yourself when thinking about your relationship. Answer within the range of 1-5, with Definitely Not = 1 and All the time = 5.- Does my friend get angry if I don’t call/text them back right away?
- Do I feel guilty if I don’t include this person in every activity?
- Does my friend make comments about my busy schedule?
- Does my friend make their schedule around when I am free?
- Do I worry about this friend to the point of distraction?
- Do I find myself developing excuses to avoid my friend?
- Do I lie to my friend about what I am doing?
- Is my friend jealous of other people/things in my life?
- Do I get annoyed whenever this person contacts me?
- Do I dread running into this person?
- Am I overwhelmed as soon as I walk through the door?
- Does this friendship leave me feeling exhausted?
After answering, tally up your points. A score under 20 means that you are much closer to BFFs, and likely in a healthy relationship. Scores from 21-36 indicate that there are some aspects of your connection that aren’t working for you. A score of 37+ means that it is time for an “inter-friend-tion.”
