Crisis Control: Helping a Friend in Need
How to help a roommate, friend, or stranger make it through a tough time.
By Gabriela Szewcow, Sophomore, Elon University
While college can be a fun, exciting environment for learning and making new friends, it can also be very challenging and cause some students to feel disconnected and depressed. In severe cases, the depression can reach a crisis level. Other students may experience a crisis because of drug and/or alcohol abuse, self-esteem problems, eating disorders, sexual assault, stalking, anxiety, academics, roommate troubles, relationship problems, health concerns, or homesickness.
When a student faces a personal crisis, he or she may not have a support network or know where to turn for help. As a fellow student, you may have the opportunity and power to help. Sometimes peers can make a difference in a way that advisors and parents can’t.
According to the Suicide Prevention Resource Center (SPRC), “College students have their own culture and language. You may know your college friends better than their own parents do. And you may be able to tell that something is wrong with one of your classmates when professors and faculty advisors can’t. You can use your insights to help your friends and classmates find help when they are having problems.”
How to Recognize Trouble
It’s not always easy to tell whether someone is actually in a state of crisis. The most obvious sign that someone is in crisis is extreme change in behavior, says Dr. Michael Loughead, a psychologist and an adjunct professor at Gannon University in Erie, Pennsylvania, who treats many college student patients. If a friend is usually positive, talkative, and loud, and you notice that he or she has been quiet and timid lately, then that friend may be going through a difficult time. Also look for expressions of sadness, hopelessness, or anger. For more warning signs that a friend is in a crisis, see below.
But Dr. Loughead says that the signs aren’t always that obvious. “If students are bulimic or depressed, they’ll be troubled, but they may still be able to go to class, and they may still be acting okay,” he says.
Be an Active Listener
The first step to helping someone in trouble is listening. “If someone is in crisis, they often need someone to listen to them,” says Dr. Loughead. “You have to make that person feel safe, and you have to give them attention.”
He stresses the use of “active listening” when dealing with a friend or a roommate who needs help. “To listen actively, you paraphrase what they say to you,” says Dr. Loughead. You repeat back to the person in your words what they are telling you. In this way, you aren’t directly giving them advice, but you’re demonstrating you’re paying attention. You’re simply allowing them to hear what they’re saying from someone else’s mouth. This helps the person to hear it and think about it with a new perspective.
“You have to make a person feel understood if you want to get anything accomplished,” says Dr. Rick Brinkman, a naturopathic physician specializing in mind/body medicine in Portland, Oregon.
Justin Mroz, a junior at West Virginia University in Morgantown, had to deal with a roommate during his first year at college who was severely depressed and contemplating suicide. The roommate was emotionally unstable and needy, going out only when Mroz went out. Mroz knew his roommate was in need of help. He actively listened and developed a relationship with his roommate based on trust. “I could definitely tell that he was depressed,” says Mroz. “He even told me that he had attempted suicide before. I didn’t know how serious it was until he told me about his plans to try it again.”
Get the Right Help
Mroz knew that his roommate needed professional help. “I contacted the head of residence life at my school, who got him hooked up with a school psychologist,” he says. “Luckily, he was fully compliant. I just told him, ‘Listen, I’m going to get you help.’ And he was good with it.”
Mroz said that one of the biggest issues with his roommate was gaining his trust so he could help him: “He was most concerned about losing friends. But I always stuck with him and stuck up for him if anyone made fun of him or anything, so he knew he could trust me.”
If you’re sure that your friend or roommate is in crisis, the next step is to seek professional help, as Mroz did. “Finding professional help for someone can be hard because in most cases, the person has to want to get help,” says Dr. Loughead. But if you establish a relationship based on trust, then your friend will understand and appreciate your willingness to help.
When someone is in crisis, he or she may act irrationally. You should be aware of this type of behavior and act accordingly. Jana Lynn Patterson, vice president for student life at Elon University in North Carolina, says that if there is immediate concern, you should call 911 or campus safety or police, especially if your friend or roommate is threatening to or has already hurt himself or herself.
“If the concern is more ambiguous or not immediate, the concerned student can schedule time to talk with a member of the counseling staff, the student development staff, or residence life to discuss options,” she says. These resources will help you to determine what the next step should be and how involved in the process you should be as well.
The Rewards of Reaching Out
Because Mroz stuck with his roommate instead of turning away from him, the two continue to maintain a good relationship. “I’m glad I could help him out, and we still talk and hang out now,” he says. “He’s open about talking about the situation, so I know that if a problem comes up again, we’ll be able to deal with it.”
Regardless of their initial reaction, most people in distress appreciate getting help eventually, according to Dr. Loughead. “You have to tell yourself that you’re helping this person, and give him or her a basis for what you’re trying to do and why you’re trying to do it,” he says. “It’s important to help someone because you never know when you might need help from someone in the future.”
When you’re reaching out and helping someone, you’re taking a risk. “It’s always easier to play it safe and not take that risk,” Dr. Loughead says. “But if it works out, that’s the upside.”
And if you’re an observant and caring friend or roommate, then you’ll be able to help that person if he or she needs it. “When you help someone and make a difference,” Dr. Loughead says, “there’s no better feeling than that.”
GABRIELA SZEWCOW IS A SOPHOMORE MAJORING IN PRINT AND ONLINE JOURNALISM AT ELON UNIVERSITY IN NORTH CAROLINA. SHE IS THE DESIGN CHIEF OF ELON’S STUDENT NEWSPAPER, THE PENDULUM, AND A CONTRIBUTING WRITER FOR HERCAMPUS.COM.
Find Out More
Click for more on how to help a friend from Virginia Tech's Be an Active Bystander reference website.
Click for more active bystander strategies - and ideas on how to help a friend - from MIT's reference website.
Click for more crisis resources from the Distress Centre's website, or call them at 403.266.HELP.
Find out more about helping someone in crisis. CLICK HERE.
Be an Active Bystander
While it’s hard enough to help a friend in distress, it can be even harder to help someone you don’t know. In college, you may find yourself in a situation where you could make a difference by reaching out to help a complete stranger. You might not think it’s your responsibility to intervene and attempt to help someone you don’t even know. But think about it: If you were at a party, stuck talking to a guy you don’t know, separated from your friends, feeling uncomfortable or unsafe, wouldn’t you appreciate someone lending a helping hand? In this situation, Dr. Rick Brinkman, a naturopathic physician specializing in mind/body medicine in Portland, Oregon, suggests approaching the woman as a friend and steering her away from the guy. This will hopefully ward off the guy who’s totally creeping her out. By being an active bystander, you can stop a person from being victimized or assaulted.
Another common bystander intervention situation is when you see someone who has clearly had a lot to drink and is planning on driving home. Someone has to intervene before he or she puts himself and others in danger.
“Approach the person and tell him or her you know he/she is capable of driving himself/herself home, but that tonight he/she probably isn’t,” Dr. Brinkman says. Inform the person of the possible bad outcomes that drunk driving can cause. Hopefully, the seriousness of the situation will get through his/her head, and he/she will listen. Preventing a drunk person from driving can save a life.
For more information on bystander intervention, CLICK on the following sites:
Be an Active Bystander@ Virginia Tech
MIT’s Active Bystander Strategies
Warning Signs That a Friend Is In Crisis
The Suicide Prevention Resource Center lists these warning signs to look for that a friend may be in crisis.
• A sudden decline in academic performance. Your friend is missing class and ignoring assignments.
• Rejection of friends. Your friend doesn’t want help from you or others he or she knows well.
• Indications of an abusive relationship. Look for injuries or bruises a friend refuses to discuss.
• Difficult adjusting to gender identity. Your friend may be GLBT (gay, lesbian, bi, or transgender) and face pressures about his or her identity.
• Signs of an eating disorder. If you notice a drastic drop in weight or odd eating behaviors, your friend may be in trouble.
• Increase in alcohol or drug use. Substance abuse is a sign of turmoil.
• Overly tired. Excessive sleep or an inability to sleep can be a signal that a friend is in trouble.
• A fixation on death or violence. An obsession with these topics may be an indication of unhappiness.